A Muted Shade of Grey

I haven't made a blog entry in a very long time.  A lot has happened since then.


I started an SSRI and as a result, I have gained more weight.  I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life and I'm frustrated beyond measure.  Things have particularly gone off the rails because the weight gain has caused the sleep apnea to flare badly.  I'm very prone to depression when I'm tired and right now the whole world has a tinge of muted grey to it.  I've also learned that I have congenital malformation of my knee caps and after 39 years, I have developed pretty bad arthritis in my left knee. The winter of 2016 has been horrible from an emotional standpoint, as my estranged mother died and 2 beloved family members have had cancer diagnoses. I'm in a bad cycle.

But...time marches forward and so am I.  I started seeing a weight loss specialist last autumn, who prescribed a fairly strict diet. She wants me to go on medication, a notion I'm not fond of.   I am continuing to track my food and exercise.  It's not always pretty but it gets done. I'm doing physical therapy for my knee and I'm going to have a butt of steel when it's done.

I gave up on the tracking the pounds on this blog.  I do a weekly weigh-in but I've decided I don't give a fudge about how many pounds I've lost and neither should anyone else.  My only concern is my health and well-being.  If I can get stronger and get my health issues under control, I will pretty damn happy.

Also, this little gentleman came into my life.  He likes his walks. He will keep his mama motivated.

Bullies, In and Out

My biggest bully is myself.   Yes, there was the abusive and insecure mother who, starting at the age of 10, was constantly telling me to lose weight (I was a healthy weight up until 10 years ago.) And the girl in junior high who told me my legs looked weird.  I  haven't worn shorts or short skirts in public since.  Messed up right?  Why am I letting a comment from a 14 year old (MADE 23 YEARS AGO), still bother me?   When I was in my spin class the other evening, all I could see were tree trunk legs; not the muscles powering the machine.

My weight loss has derailed.  I'm trying not let it bother me but it does.  The tree trunk legs bother me. My jowls bother me. The squishy belly bothers me.  The tired fibro eye bags really bother me. Or is it just the inner bully bothering me?   Hey bully, the woman in the picture made a cute craft project, so bugger off! 

*sigh*

My Spirit is My Master

Wow.  Nearly a year since my last post.  It isn't really a surprise that there is a correlation between my lack of posts and the way I've been feeling during this time.  Since my last post, my dysthymia and sugar cravings were rearing their ugly heads and they took over this past winter and spring.

Then things went from bad to worse.  About 6 weeks ago, my dysthymia suddenly morphed into panic attacks and some of the worse anxiety I've ever felt. Wham. Out of the blue.  After some hard work and a lot of bad days, I'm nearly feeling normal again (whatever normal is for me) but this awful experience has led to a lot of introspection.

1. I manage my stress poorly.  I have to exercise.  I have to let little things roll off my back.  I also recently attended a free meditation class and one of the mantras was "my spirit is my master."  It is my master. Not my dysthymia and certainly not my anxiety.  I can't allow them to take over.

2. When I stop exercising, my mental health takes a nose dive. When I'm on my bike, all the bad juju nearly vanishes.

3. I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect and be productive and when I'm not, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of guilt.  Perfect is the enemy of good enough.  I need to cut myself some slack. That also goes for my weight loss efforts.  From here on out, my blog posts will no longer report my weight, my weight loss, and how much I have left to lose.  My focus will be on living a healthy active life.  The weight loss will come on its own.

We all have our demons and our struggles.  We have to learn to let the strength of our spirit keep them at bay.

Setbacks and Temptations

Current Weight: 212 lbs.   Weight Lost: 27 lbs.  Left to Lose: 72 lbs.

I have gained a little and stalled out the past couple of weeks.  I have been told that is normal but it is frustrating none the less.

I have not been sleeping well and I have been feeling down.  This hot dry summer has induced a nasty fibromyalgia flare which affects my sleeping.  My fatigue and dysthymia affect cravings and my sugar cravings came roaring back with a vengeance the past few weeks.

There was a lot of sugar in my life this past weekend.  Five, yes, five birthday parties!  Lot's of yummy food and sweets galore.  My will-power flat-lined.   So, time to rally and get back on track!   With the exception of my own birthday dinner this weekend, cake is being banished for a while.

On the positive side of this, I spent time with my dearest friends at these parties including this cute little fellow who turned 1 year old.  Isn't he handsome!  And isn't that what these joyous events are for? Celebrating a milestone and being with people we love; cake isn't the important part.  (But damn, was it tasty!)

Finding What Works

 Current Weight:  211 lbs.  Weight Lost: 28 lbs.  Weight left to lose: 71 lbs.

I read an article that got me thinking about the variation in the human metabolism. The author of the article had to combine exercise with a total elimination of sugar and wheat to see weight loss results.  Obviously I have done a lot of thinking about what works for me and what doesn't.  What I've discovered through the course of my adult life is that exercise is key for my success.  I've also found that sugar, white flour, and processed foods hinder my success but only if they are a regular part of my diet. I can enjoy products with sugar and white flour in moderation as long as I keep up the exercise.  I suppose that is norm for the most people.  I know through a lifetime of experience that my metabolism grinds to a halt when I become sedentary.  So, my bike and walking shoes will become my BFF's.  But I'm at the point where I enjoy their company.

Fat Hatred

Current Weight 218 lbs.  Weight Lost: 21 lbs.   Weight left to lose: 81 lbs.

I've been keeping up with a Salon.com series called Body Wars.  Here are some comments from one of the articles:

 "Fat people have a problem with portion control. They will just misuse this information and get fatter."

"Some people think disgusting fatness is beautiful. Mostly other disgusting fat people."

"Even the most hardcore anorexic is healthier than a fatty. They'll live longer, look better and get dates. Nobody likes fatties and they all die of heartattacks and only date other fatties. That are fact."

So these individuals think that fat people are: gross, ugly, unloveable, and lack self-control.  Did it occur to them that other people might think that they are stupid assholes? 

I also watched a show a few months back in which one of the hosts took a jab at the singer Adele, someone I happen to think is gorgeous.  The hosts of the show were self-indentified nerds and one of them insinuated that because Adele is heavy, she would be desperate enough to have sex with any of one of them.  So not only did he insult large women and Adele in particular, he also insulted nerds by implying that only desperate people will have sex with them.  As a plus-size nerd, I find that doubly offensive.

It occurred me how idiotic these people sound but this stuff still cuts deep.  Why?  They obviously have issues with their intellectual capacity so why would anyone care what they think of fat people?  I guess I don't know but I can say that these comments are based on plain old fear and ignorance, which humans have in abundance.

I do know that these people aren't the reason I'm on this journey.  If someone tries to lose weight to placate haters and please other people, they are setting themselves up for failure.  I did that once and I failed.  I have a husband and friends and family who love me for all of the things I am regardless of my size.  I want to bask in the light of that love for as long as I possibly can.  And that is why I'm doing this.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle!

I have re-discovered the joy of riding a bike the way kids ride. Not for the purpose of being more eco-friendly (though I do love this aspect) or turning into a RAGBRAI participant; Just coasting along on a nice trail with the breeze in my face!  I have a perfect hybrid city bike for this and it has been pulled out of storage after a much too long hiatus.  At some point I hope to get more comfortable with city riding and use my car less, but in the meantime, we are getting reacquainted.  Isn't she pretty?